The other day Ashley was taking our son Ashton to Chick-Fil-A for dinner after a long work day. Unfortunately, she left her debit card at Starbucks after a morning stop. She also forgot her other debit card for a different account at home. And we aren’t carrying credit cards anymore. So as a last resort she called me to get the bank account login info so she could get an access code for the ATM. But there was just one problem there too, I was helping coach our daughter Alyssa’s basketball team and didn’t have my phone on me.
Long story short it made her long day even longer as she had to go all the way back home to get her card…And to add to the fun, Ashton had an “accident” in his clothes on the way. It was a great night for all.
I felt really bad. Like really bad. Even though I know she can take care of herself and I didn’t do anything wrong, I still felt terrible. Then I realized what that nagging feeling was – I felt like I hadn’t been there to protect her and to somehow help her avoid being stuck in that situation. I wanted to be her knight in shining armor to swoop in with the account login information to make her day a little bit easier. Why is that? My wife is one of the strongest and most independent women ever, yet in our modern society of gender equality I still felt this need to protect her and provide a sense of security. No matter how progressive our culture is, as husbands we are called by God to be leaders of our family, and one of the key components of leadership is caring for those entrusted to you and being willing to lay down our lives in order to provide that security.
“A husband should love his wife as much as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it”
Ashley has mentioned to me several times in the past that she needs ‘security’ from me. But honestly I’d never taken the time to fully dig into what she meant by that. My first thought was I have a great job so we are all set financially, I’m home every night, and I kill all of the big spiders in the house. Sounds like security to me, right? Well not quite. As I reflected more on this I questioned if I am doing things intentionally and consistently to make sure that she feels a true sense of security in a tangible way. Some of those questions were:
- Do I give a sense of calm to my wife in the face of uncertainty?
- Do I take proactive steps to remove obstacles or roadblocks that my family may face in the future?
- Am I making a conscious effort to reassure my wife that I would go to any lengths to ensure she and my family will be taken care of?
- Am I speaking positivity and life into her and our situations?
Some of those questions I could answer with a resounding ‘yes’ while others were more of an eye opener for me into areas where I could be doing better.
What exactly does security mean in the context of a relationship anyway? Think about it this way, if something is ‘secure’ it is well taken care of. And not just somewhat tucked away out of plain sight, but purposefully kept under lock and key in order to keep it away from anything that would threaten to harm or disturb it. Essentially whatever is most valuable to you is your top priority and you would do whatever is necessary to protect it. That’s how our wives desire to be and deserve to be treated by their husbands. When we treat our wives as a priority in terms of our time, energy, finances, and love that security allows them to truly flourish and focus on her role as a wife, mother, and in her career.
So, how can we as husbands take steps to make sure we are providing a sense of security to our wives?
It’s important for wives to be actively pursued by their husbands. We may be thinking I’ve already taken the plunge right? Whether it was 1, 2, 10+ years ago, she should remember that day when we said ‘I do’ and if not we have plenty of witnesses to prove it. However, it’s not good enough to just be married on paper. Whether you are 1 day or 1 decade in, we have to continue making it very clear to our wives that we are committed to our marriage and there’s no place we’d rather be than with them. She needs to know that you are committed to the relationship for the long haul – and not just out of obligation but that you are truly invested in making your marriage great. But if you have fallen into a rut of not showing active affection or even worse if you are receiving late night texts, not being truthful about outings, or having a wandering eye, how can you expect her to be secure enough in your marriage to let her guard down and grow with you? I must admit that ‘pursuing her’ is another one of those concepts that Ashley had to help break down for me a while ago in order for me to get it. In a practical sense, I now equate this to planning date nights, having intentional conversations about things that matter to her, and just being more in tune with what she needs in life. Essentially our wives need to feel our commitment to them in everything that we do.
Ok so I’m a pretty thin guy…some may even say I’d qualify as skinny, but this whole notion of protecting your wife in a physical sense still applies whether we like it or not. Hopefully we will never have to jump in front of that proverbial bullet for our wives, but she has to be undoubtedly sure that you would be willing to do so without any hesitation. One night not too long ago after watching a particularly disturbing episode of Criminal Minds, we heard a loud banging noise outside. I was 99.9% sure it was just our fence that was left open blowing in the wind, but there was also a small possibility that it was a deranged serial killer on the loose. So with only a chest full of courage, I ventured out into the darkness to check things out. Luckily it was just the fence, but you get my point – no matter how trivial or serious these situations may be, as men we have to step up and show willingness to protect our wife and family.
As husbands we are called to love our wives in the same way that Christ loves the church. And we all know how that story goes – Jesus had to endure the ultimate physical sacrifice so that we might be saved and that is what we are to model in our home. While we likely will never have to make this ultimate sacrifice, our wives can be secure in knowing that we are confident in our role as a protector.
Provide for Her
This one can be a little tricky these days because many women are working so men are not the sole breadwinners as they were in years past. Here the dollar amount that you bring in is not as important as the work ethic and drive that women can intuitively spot within us. So you may not be the sole or even the major bread winner, but she has to know that if it comes down to it you would be willing to get 3 extra jobs to provide for your family. Another component of providing for your wife is to be a good steward over what you have. Let’s face it, there is always more money to be made so being able to effectively steward and manage the money that you do have provides a much needed sense of security regardless of your income.
Plan for Her
Although we have to stay focused on the things we need to get done each day, we can’t ignore the longer-term vision and planning that is key to establishing and maintaining security in our wives’ hearts. In a general sense, you must ask yourself ‘when painting a picture of our future together, do I provide a sense of realistic calm and positivity?’. Notice the word ‘realistic’ – being a complete dreamer without an effective plan can be very unnerving to even the most supportive of wives. Ultimately, as a leader in the home we should be able to provide some peace of mind even in the midst of adversity in order to provide security. In a tangible sense, making sure you have adequate insurance coverage, a plan for retirement, and a budget in place for your family all come to mind as things that will go a long way towards instilling security when considering the future for your marriage.
Every woman deserves to feel secure in her marriage and in her husband and every husband should strive to provide that for her. What are some ways you have made your wife feel secure? Feel free to leave your experiences in the comments below.